The day that changed my life forever (Take 2)

30.4.13


Hi all

Well it's hard to believe a year has already gone by since my accident. I had booked today off work because even though i was getting a lift in it would mean i would be going down that same road at the same time and that would be too weird.
I thought i would be more emotional, but it arrived like any other day and turned out to be a nice day off work.

I think what helped was that i was back on my old leg and had fully recovered from previous operations, so was able to get around and not on a downer.
I still haven't met up with friends yet, and I'm finding that i am becoming more and more Agoraphobic, and can't wait to get back into the house.

I know why this is, it's because as i am plodding along at granny speed with my two sticks i feel like people are looking at me. I know they are not thinking anything nasty, and i have met loads of nice helpful people. It's just something i would have done, and gone poor girl, and maybe that's what gets me the most that people are feeling sorry for me.
We i will keep putting one foot in front of the other, until i get my new leg. Then i won't have to look down as much. Ho, and another frustration i have found out is since i only have one speed now and that's plod. If there's a bus in your bus bay, you can't run for it, you have to slowly shuffle towards it giving it the evils not to move.

Anyway keep plodding on.

Back on my feet again

07.04.13


Hi all

This has been the first week i have been able to wear my false leg in over two months.
It was quite a scare when i went to have the operation to look at the small weeping hole at the back of my stump, which i thought was another piece of road. only to find out it was a burst cyst!  I was thankful that they had found it and managed to clear it out, but was also worried that there may be others. It took over a month to heal, and i couldn't move because i would split the stitches, which i did at one point.

Then i had that nasty fall badly bruising the end of my stump, which at the time was agony. that added another month onto my recovery time.
I was then able to put my leg on again, and it was like going back to square one.
i was a bit unsteady, and still a bit tender. but as the days went on i found that sores that were there before inside had now gone, and realised it must have been the cyst that was causing me discomfort all this time.

I went to see a specialist and they told me that with my type of injury (a de-glove, and folded over skin graft) it was prone to cysts. This horrified me because i didn't want to be getting better only to be knocked back to square one again months later.
But as we both know us amputees take each day at a time, and today i have no pain when i walk. Appart from the usually Chinese burn feeling when i first stand up and start to walk. (that's just down to my rubber liner gripping my scar tissue and moving it up and down when i walk.)

I also went to PACE for a review and they were very thorough and really informative. i met an above knee amputee who sang their praises, and even though he was 4 years down the line i watched him walk around with a simple leg without sticks!.
So if you can afford to go private i would highly recommend them. Once my claim has finished i will definitely be using them.

I'm still living at my parents, but the evaluator has been to do a report on my old house stating to the other side why i can't live there any more. I really want my own space again now.

I should be getting the final version of my new leg in 2 weeks so will let you know how that feels. PACE advised me to get a completely different type so i will have to see what my Prosthatists at Seacroft has to say.

I'm feeling a lot more positive now i have my leg back on.

Two steps forward three steps back

12.03.13


After having another operation on the back of my stump to remove a burst cyst, i was bed ridden for 7 days. Unable to move my thigh even slightly because it would split my stitches. I found this out the hard way, by doing too much 2 days after my operation and the back of my leg was running with blood.
So after a weeks forced rest, with my mum running around for me, i finally got the confidence to start hopping around on my crutches. Bad mistake.
On Saturday my mum had mopped the bathroom floor and i went straight in unaware, to use the loo. Suddenly my crutches slid away from me and i fell to my left, and instinctively put out my leg to stop my fall. Unfortunately, its my left leg i had lost, and slammed right down on to the end of my stump, onto the hard floor.
I cried out in pain, and all i could do was hold my stump curled up in a ball on the floor rocking for at least ten minutes. Straight away my mum ran to my aid and was hugging me,as through gritted teeth i waited foe the pain to go.
For those of you who haven't had the misfortune of banging your stump, it feels like some one has hit your funny bone with a hammer, then when you think the pain has subsided enough to move it, someone hits you again.
It is now Tuesday and i have black bruising on the tip of my bone/skin, and it still throbs, my stitches remained in tacked but i think i have an infection, so i have an appointment with the hospital tomorrow to get checked out. I hope i haven't chipped anything, and i just need a few antibiotics.
The other frustrating thing is my new leg has had to go back to get tweaked, and because of the tender stump and still weeping wound, i cant wear my old leg, so i am back in my chair. Feels like I've gone back to square one. Ho, and to top off a crappy week i now have hives, thank you god!!

Another Operation

27.2.13

 
 

I have been having a problem since last November with a small leaking sore at the back of my leg. I knew it was another piece of debris working its way to the surface but it was starting to interfere with my prosthetic. I couldn't wear it for long periods because it felt like it was pushing on something. So I went on the list for an operation and had it today.

 

It was under local anaesthetic, at my requested as I didn’t want another adventure in wonderland. He injected me 5 times, and each really hurt.

 

He had to dig deep, saying he was following a hole, and then told me he had found a burst cyst. The debris was tiny and had made the hole, but it was the cyst that was causing the pain and leakage. After an hour of cutting, poking and stitching I was all wrapped up and sent off home.

 

Apparently I was lucky that little bit of grit was there because the burst cyst would have continued to leak inside my stump causing massive infection, and god knows what else.

So hopefully within the next 4 weeks I will be able to get back on my prosthetic again.

 

Also my surgeon passed me photographs of my leg before it was amputated, these were in a brown envelope and were for my Solicitors case. I didn't have to look at them, just post them on. But curiosity got the better of me, and it looked like a prop from a horror movie.

 

I won’t post the pictures here that would be too much for you. Let's just say even though I remember everything in detail, looking at those photos was very strange. It was like I was looking at someone else’s leg, I was more fascinated by the damage, and it made me understand better why it had to be cut back.

Dark nights of winter

Hi

Sorry i haven't posted for a while, I've been having more bad days than good of late.
I promised myself that i would be honest with you on this blog and tell you how it really is when you become an amputee.
You have to put a brave face on for family and friends and along with the medication it can be very tiring.

You don't really know much about my background, but i have been a fighter from the moment i was born.
i was born breach and too late to turn came out arse first and blue, i had to be put in an oxygen tank for my first few hours of life.

Then at one year old there was an accident and i got scolded with boiling water badly burning my chest, the scars of which i still have today.

I was also diagnosed with a squint and had to wear a patch during my infant years, which i thought was cool as i looked like a pirate, then came the NHS specs.

Then when i was a teenager i slipped off a canal wall and landed on my feet cracking both the balls of my ankles. My mum took me to the G.P and he said i had sprained them and encouraged her to get me to walk on them!...after a week of pushing myself around on my skate board i was taken to hospital and put in casts for 6 weeks.

Then when i was in my twenty's i became very ill, vomiting, couldn't keep food down got miss diagnosed for 3 years as a stomach bug, when all it took was one blood test and i was diagnosed with Heli-Bacta polori (a nasty bug that hides under your stomach acids) it took two lots of anti-biotics to clear it up but by then i had ruined my stomach/bowels and got IBS and lactose intolerance. Over the years I've slowly built back up the things i could eat, but still can't have ice cream yet.

Then on my 30th year i broke up with my long term partner (12 years) turns out he'd been seeing someone else for the last 3 years. So kicked him out, and two years later i lost my leg. (Just call me Lucky!!)

But through all that i have kept going, if i wanted to i could dwell on how crappy life has been to me but i have had so many good memories, and my dogs to keep me sane.

The only things that have been getting to me at the moment is that I'm stuck at my parents house (back after 7 years away is hell, as you can imagine) until my old house is done up to rent out then I'm going to move into a bungalow.  It keeps snowing so I'm trapped inside, and I've started to put on weight because I'm not cycling to work. (eating junk food isn't helping). Also I've missed a year of socialising, I've kept in touch with friends on face book and i could get back into things if i wanted, but a part of me doesn't want to and i find that i don't like being around people too long. I know once i get my limb sorted and summer comes i will be out again it's just these dark months get you down.

In February I'm due my next leg which has hydraulics and a tilting ankle so i will post picks and tell you how that goes. x

New Year New Leg

4.01.13


Happy New Year!

It was a quiet Christmas and New Year and i had to stay in with the parents as i can't drink at the moment partly because of the medication i am on which makes you dizzy and also i need to concentrate on balance even more so when drunk.

 

I am now at the stage where i am ready for the next leg! Today i have had a plaster cast of my stump so that a new top mold can be done. I am then going to get a new rubber lining with a suction part that holds the bottom metal leg on.
Once i have got used to this new leg and it is comfortable then they have talked about new knees and an ankle joint, which I'm really excited about!. They said it will take 2 weeks for the new mold to be done. As soon as i get the new leg i will post photos and tell you how i get on.

 

Also i did go to see a Physiologist and I'm still stubborn in the fact that i think i know myself well enough to get through most things. But it is nice to talk to a stranger about your feelings and to get honest feed back. It may not work for you, I'm seeing how i go and if i really need to talk to someone then i know they are there.

The calm after the storm

02/12/12


Since leaving hospital nearly every day was packed with appointments and check ups.
I had to go to physiotherapy for fittings, for hospital check ups on the progress of my healing. for further operations, then more physiotherapy.
Then there were the phone calls, none stop from Solicitors wanting things, and to do home visits, Occupational health doing welfare updates, and the police updating me on the court case.

It's now been 6 months since i left hospital, and everything has stopped.
On Mondays I just have a physiotherapy case worker coming out to the house for catch up, who has referred me to an exercise club called PALs, so soon her visits will stop.
On Thursdays i have a half hour session with a physiotherapist on my wrists to ease the Carpel Tunnel, and that's it.  i get the odd phone call from the Occupational health for an update but i don't have any more appointments. Just odd ones when i need my leg re-fitting if anything is wrong.

You would think i would be glad to have a bit of peace and quiet, but I'm not.
I miss the attention, and the goals to set, and break. I miss impressing people and encouraging others. Apart from this blog that was my therapy as well, and now i feel lost.

My mood has dropped, and i miss being around 'people like me'.
I don't like taking drugs to cover up a problem but i thought i would try Amitriptyline for a bit (it's a drug for depression). I've also asked my Occupational health worker to sign me up to a loca physiatrist to see if that can help. But as i have said before this is my therapy and i feel that talking to some stranger about my childhood won't change anything.
I have also asked to be signed up to an outdoor rehab group, but that's not going to happen until summer next year. So i have to try and find something else to keep my mind active until then.

Because everything is so quiet now for the first time since my accident i now have time to sit and think, and i don't like that at all. Like i have explained in previous posts, i don't have nightmares because i remember everything in vivid detail, and when i sit and think my mind plays over different parts of that day and my mood drops to the floor. I can't stay on drugs for the rest of my life, and i have to learn how to deal with whats in my head, perhaps the Physiatrist can help, i will let you know.